Never listening

I’m about to embark on a journey in life that I’ve never embarked on before. A path by myself. A path that will be created day by day, based solely on my own personal decisions. How fucking incredible. Every year I feel I get that much closer to knowing who I am truly am and I feel like soon I shall figure it all out. 

As I stated in a previous post, I was accepted into the New Era internship program that I had applied for. Which, I was truly surprised about… during my interview (a google hangout interview) they asked me a question in regards to what I liked about local and state governments… 1. I didn’t expect a question like this and 2. What kind of answer are they even looking for?… so my response to this question was basically gibberish. I can’t even relay what I said because it was so absurd. After the interview I was so panic stricken that I had blown it. I was certain of it.  

Yesterday I was casually checking my email and the first thing in my inbox was “New Era Colorado” and *BAM* I got it. I fucking got it, you guys. 

I told my mother and she was so ecstatic for me. I hadn’t expected that reaction at all, which is why I had made her 4th on my call and tell list. On the phone I told her that I didn’t want to tell my dad because I felt unsupported and that he would try to talk my out of accepting the internship due to school, family, or finances. Because of my absolute certainty of my father’s discouragement I decided not to tell him, “at least not today”. I felt such certainty due to my father’s reaction when I told him I had made the round of final interviews. 

  • First response after giving him the news: “You know, Taylor I think you really need to think about this from a broke college student’s stand point”.
  • " You know that doing this could affect your future career, do you know what kind of people do this program? Do you Taylor?  Huh? Do you? Berkeley Hippies, Taylor. Berkeley."
  • "Have you even looked at what the groups advocates? huh? It’s promotes very left wing liberal view points. It claims to be bi-partisan but in fact  it’s far from that."
  • "You never fucking listen."

After my fathers initial response to my excitement about getting the final interview I got defensive much too quickly and retorted with “Dad… can’t you see I’m excited about this? I worked really hard and I don’t even know if I have it yet but If I do get it, it would be nice to know that no matter what you would be behind me 100% to help me achieve this goal to the best of your ability.” I should have responded more rationally before expressing my exact feelings about his lack of support and encouragement. I also did not understand why my father seemed to be so upset that the program expressed some liberal ideals. I thought my father would be proud of me for getting involved in the political movement at such a young age of adulthood, but instead, his ignorance stood out more than I had every seen it before.This response of mine earned me a 30 minute lecture and a ruined  moment of reward. Every time the internship was brought up after this around my father, it was followed by a scoff and a comment. I never felt so undermined before and by my own Dad… Someone who I expect to be a core support system for me throughout my life. It was such a disappointment. 

So you can imagine my hesitance to tell him about my actual acceptance into the program. I was so enthralled about the news that I didn’t want anything to bring me down from my feeling of achievement and excitement. I called my best friends, then my mother, then some friends I talk to once a week, then my instagram followers, friends I talk to once a month, and then my father texted me….

his exact text:

:”Mom told me. I am very proud of you! You are engaging and that is so very important. I want you to think for yourself, even if we disagree I will always love you and be proud.”

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

HAHA LOOK AT HOW WELL THIS STORY ENDED. 

MY DAD CAME AROUND. 

I am shocked. I really am. For weeks after my last conversation with my father, I experienced an extreme amount of fear that my father would never approve of who I was as an individual and therefor would never love me entirely nor be proud of me. This feeling became etched in my head and I totally believed it to be true… but now I don’t. I forget that my father can be a sensible man, just with time. 

Thank you Dad. Thank you for hearing me out last time we talked and for completely taking my feelings, desires, and dreams into consideration. You sending me this text meant more to me than you know. Just knowing that I have yours and mom’s support, I feel that I can achieve my goals- however outrageous you may find them be. I appreciate you being there to challenge me and my beliefs. I appreciate you. 

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I GOT IT. I GOT THE INTERNSHIP IN COLORADO

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At fifteen you had the radiance of early morning, at twenty you will begin to have the melancholy brilliance of the moon.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise  (via kayleyhyde)
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